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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29245524">seventeen-and-a-half</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizaLane/pseuds/ElizaLane'>ElizaLane</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vaguely Connected MCYT Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Panic Attacks, TommyInnit Has PTSD (Video Blogging RPF), Traumatized TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:54:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29245524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizaLane/pseuds/ElizaLane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been a year since Wilbur died. Tommy could be worse.</p>
<p>//tw: Tommy has a panic attack//</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cara | CaptainPuffy &amp; TommyInnit, Sam | Awesamdude &amp; TommyInnit, Technoblade &amp; TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo &amp; TommyInnit, TommyInnit &amp; Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot &amp; TommyInnit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vaguely Connected MCYT Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2158698</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>539</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>seventeen-and-a-half</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The Eggpire got too far so now they all have to like underground:( Also glow berries will be a thing in the caves update I didn’t just make them up.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tommy, seventeen-and-a-half, sat in the middle of several tunnels entrances. He was hopelessly lost and had no idea where he had come from hours earlier. He hadn’t left the typical trail that he should have, too caught up in his anger and pain. </p>
<p>Wilbur had died a year ago yesterday, and Tommy hadn’t known because it was hard to keep track of the time while living underground with no natural light. His sleep schedule was fucked because he couldn't tell how long the days were and it wasn’t like he ever slept well anyway, nightmares of the Egg, of the Discs and Doomsday and Exile and Pogtopia and revolutions and wars that were long gone but never forgotten. Sam, Puffy, and Tubbo were usually good about making sure that he slept some, but everyone was looking for water or some other material to stay alive, and Tommy had run off alone.</p>
<p>The surface was impossible to get to, not that anyone would want to be up there, what with the Egg’s Bloodvines everywhere. The entrance to every cave was blocked up with obsidian to keep the remains of the Dream SMP safe. </p>
<p>The caves were big enough that no one had to live near any enemies, but the sparse communities kept close enough to spread word of the growth of the Egg. </p>
<p>But still. Wilbur was dead, and Tommy hadn’t visited his grave. Ghostbur had disappeared after <em> real </em> Wilbur had spoken to Tommy and Tubbo when they got the discs back. Tommy used to wonder what that meant. </p>
<p>
  <em> “It felt like there was a place opening up for you.” </em>
</p>
<p>Tommy almost wished that he’d gone. To be with Wilbur, his <strike>friend</strike> <strike>mentor</strike> brother. Away from the Egg and from the stupid caves and burning longing to watch the sun rise again. To just be with Wilbur. </p>
<p>Tommy shook himself, suddenly angry again. He wasn’t supposed to feel like that anymore! He had Tubbo and the discs. He had Sam and Puffy, who looked out for him and protected him and helped him get underground.  Tommy wasn’t supposed to want to die! </p>
<p>He choked on a sob.</p>
<p>“Hello?” A voice echoed down one of the tunnels. A terrifying, familiar voice. A voice that Tommy heard telling him to die everytime he slept.</p>
<p>“Is anyone there?” another voice called, and Tommy knew he wasn’t going to make it back to Tubbo this time. At least he could see Wilbur again. They would make sure of it. </p>
<p>“Techno, I know I heard something, and I want to make sure that it wasn't a zombie. Mob spawners are the biggest hell there is down here.” Philza said. </p>
<p>“I’ll believe you, but if we get jumped by some other faction, I’m leaving you here.”</p>
<p>Tommy hunched into himself, sinking to the ground. He didn’t want to talk to the people who had destroyed his home and killed Wilbur. </p>
<p>The footsteps grew closer, one set sandals and the other hooves. Tommy put his head between his knees and tried to remember Puffy’s breathing exercise. </p>
<p>“Tommy?” </p>
<p>
  <em> Four, seven, eight. </em>
</p>
<p>“Don’t ignore me, you child.”</p>
<p><em> Four, seven, eight </em>. </p>
<p>“Are you deaf, now? Or just rude?”</p>
<p>
  <em> Four seven, eight. Five things you can see. </em>
</p>
<p>“What’s the matter with you, Tommy?” </p>
<p>
  <em> Stone floor, stone walls, his own knees, Philza’s sandals, Technoblade’s cloak.  </em>
</p>
<p>“What’s wrong with him, Phil?”</p>
<p><em> Four things you can feel </em>. </p>
<p>“I don’t know.”</p>
<p>
  <em> The cold from the floor, the cold from the wind, his old shirt, the too-small fur coat. </em>
</p>
<p>“Do you think he’s sick?”</p>
<p>
  <em> Three things you can hear. </em>
</p>
<p>“Maybe, but we can’t bring him back to our camp.”</p>
<p>
  <em> Technoblade, Philza, and his own breathing.  </em>
</p>
<p>“We can’t leave him to die.”</p>
<p>
  <em> Two things you can smell.  </em>
</p>
<p>“The last time I took the kid in, he betrayed me.” </p>
<p><em> His own sweat, the gross musty cave smell that he never really got used to. </em> </p>
<p>“But if we leave him to die, someone will blame us.”</p>
<p>
  <em> One thing you can taste. </em>
</p>
<p>“Probably Puffy or Sam.”</p>
<p>
  <em> Musty cave air again. </em>
</p>
<p>Okay. Tommy could keep himself grounded. </p>
<p>“I’m fine. Just some, uh, personal stuff.” Tommy said, lifting his head to stare blankly up at the two hybrids in the shitty lantern light. “I got lost. If you can point me to one of the central caverns, I’ll go.”</p>
<p>“You sure you’re okay there? I don’t want Sam trying to kill me over letting you wander through the caves sick. We could walk you back,” Philza offered. </p>
<p>“I’ll be fine with just a direction to go in, thanks.” Tommy said back, exhausted. “Sam would understand.”</p>
<p>“You look like you’ll keel over if we leave you here.”</p>
<p><em> Maybe I should. You would like that. Sam wouldn’t have to deal with me then. </em> Tommy bit back what Puffy would have called “his intrusive thoughts.”</p>
<p>“If you can spare a glowberry or two, I can make it back alone.”</p>
<p>Techno and Phil looked surprised that Tommy hadn’t cursed them out. </p>
<p>“I’d feel better if we walked you back. ‘Sides, we haven’t gotten this far yet, so we’ll have to cut through our camp,” Phil said, offering his hand to Tommy. </p>
<p>Tommy hesitated, but gave in and let Phil pull him up.</p>
<p>“Prime, mate, have you eaten anything lately?” Phil gasped. </p>
<p>“Or slept, for that matter? You look like death.” Techno grunted, evidently displeased with having Tommy around. </p>
<p> “We don’t have much to eat,” Tommy admitted, his knees cracking as he straightened them. He winced. “Just the glowbarries.”</p>
<p>“You haven’t been eating rotten flesh, have you?” Phil asked suspiciously.</p>
<p>“No? We aren’t that desperate,” Tommy said.</p>
<p>“Your eyes are red. You look like you’ve been eating trash, Tommy.” Phil paled. “If you’re on some kind of drug, then I’m telling Sam.”</p>
<p>“I had a panic attack, bitch. Puffy said that I probably have some PTSD or some shit. I was crying,” Tommy said, looking away. </p>
<p>“You’d just admit it?” Technoblade asked. </p>
<p>“You wouldn't leave me alone if I didn’t. It’s easier if I just say it and I’m too tired to lie. Can we please go now?” </p>
<p>“Fine,” Phil said suspiciously. “Follow me.”</p>
<p>Phil led them with Techno behind Tommy. Tommy felt distinctly and unfairly like a prisoner being led to jail. He figured that this was the last time he’d ever get the chance to ask them a particular question and was too tired to think it through before he spoke.</p>
<p>“Why’d you do it?”</p>
<p>Techno sighed. “Do what, Tommy?”</p>
<p>“Blow up L’Manburg.”</p>
<p>“To teach you a lesson. We’ve been over this.” Phil sighed too.</p>
<p>“What <em> lesson </em>? I didn’t learn anything, Technoblade. I don’t -- what was I supposed to do? Give up L’Manburg? I was too far in by that point. It was all I had left of Wilbur. I gave up everything for L’Manburg. My first two lives, my discs--”</p>
<p>“You <em> what </em>? What do you mean, your first two lives? You can’t-- that would mean…” Phil trailed off, paler than Ghostbur had been. </p>
<p>“I died for L’Manburg <em> twice </em>. I wasn’t going to just let her die, she was all I had! You can’t--” He cut himself off. “What were you trying to teach us, because I don’t get it.”</p>
<p>“Government is corrupt. It corrupts good, innocent people and makes them tyrants.”</p>
<p>“How were we supposed to learn that from you destroying our <em> home </em>? None of us were -- are! -- older than twenty-one! You can’t just destroy an entire country because you don’t like the way we ran things!”</p>
<p>“I wouldn't expect you to understand, Theseus, you’re--”</p>
<p>“The explain it to me! I know that I’m not the smartest person there is, but you could at least explain why I had to suffer so much! We lost everything, and you don’t even care enough to tell us why!”</p>
<p>“Because of the government, Tommy.”</p>
<p>“That doesn’t mean anything! You just destroyed our home and -- and -- that doesn’t make sense! How does <em> destroying a country </em> translate to <em> government is bad </em>! I don’t fucking understad! It doesn’t -- we just wanted to live in peace, Technoblade. We just wanted quiet, and we wanted everything to be okay again.” Tommy ended pitifully, wiping tears from his eyes. He was surprised he even had enough water in himself to cry, he’d been crying practically all day yesterday.</p>
<p>“I told you, though.” Techno said, quiet and vaguely uncertain. “The government tried to execute me, and before that everyone betrayed me. <em> You </em> betrayed me.” </p>
<p>Tommy scoffed wetly. “Right. Because we can’t have two sides to a story.” he straightened himself. “Yes. We formed a government right in front of you. We ignored your preferences and we didn’t hold a proper election to get a proper leader but it was heat of the moment. That’s the only excuse I have. But we didn’t -- we weren’t going to hurt you. That wasn’t what we were trying to do.” Tommy thought about what Puffy would want him to say. “I’m sorry that you felt betrayed. That wasn’t our intent. We should have listened to your opinion and taken that into account, but it feels like you acted disproportionately. You hurt us, too.”</p>
<p>Phil turned and traded a look with Techno. </p>
<p>Tommy continued. “I can’t say that the butcher army was entirely right in what they did, but they wanted to bring you to justice. Tubbo said that they wanted to make sure that nobody would mess with L’Manburg again. But the whole, not giving you a trial was wrong.” </p>
<p>“Why do you care, Tommy?” Phil asked, more gentle than Tommy had ever heard him. </p>
<p>“Because I don’t get it. I want to understand so that I can keep it from happening again. I don’t want to get hurt again,” Tommy said softly. “I don’t -- I can’t understand how you could destroy our home, it was -- it was <em> Wilbur’s </em> home. It was all I had left of him.” </p>
<p>“Your government made me kill Wilbur. That’s why I destroyed L’Manburg,” Phil said, looking ahead. </p>
<p>“How?” </p>
<p>“What do you mean, ‘how?’” </p>
<p>“How did they do that? Tubbo was all we had of the cabinet then, and he’d never met you before then. He couldn’t have <em> made </em> you,” Tommy argued, his volume building up again. “Hell, Tubbo couldn’t <em> make </em> you do anything, he’s a kid! He didn’t threaten you into doing it, and he didn’t manipulate you into it, and he never said that you had to. And if you mean Schlatt, then he was dead by then. He was too drunk to make anyone do anything! You’re blaming Tubbo because you don’t want to deal with your own actions and the fact that you suffered from the consequences! You can’t just - just--” Tommy cut himself off again, heaving breaths escaping his lungs. He took a moment to compose himself again before continuing. </p>
<p>“Sorry for yelling. How did the government make you kill Wilbur?” </p>
<p>“If it weren’t for the government, I wouldn’t have been in that position,” Phil answered after a moment, his voice oddly pitched. “They exiled him.” </p>
<p>“If we’re just blaming it on whatever we want, then it’s Dream’s fault for manipulating him, or Techno and my faults for letting him get that far. It’s Fundy’s fault for, I don’t know, not telling Wilbur that he was a spy for weeks. It’s your fault for stabbing him. Wilbur lost it over a lot of things that built up over time, but you can't just blame one single source,” Tommy protested, fighting down tears. “Wilbur was under a shit ton of pressure and he was losing it the moment he decided to make a new country in the first place. What he did was wrong, but you killing him solved nothing.” </p>
<p>“He was my <em> son </em>! I’d never have done it if there were another option.” Phil’s voice was angry, and Tommy fought to keep himself from dropping everything he had on him right then and there. </p>
<p>“You didn’t have to kill him! He was- I could have- you didn’t even think about who else you were hurting then!”</p>
<p>“He was my son! I was his only family --”</p>
<p>“He was my <em> brother </em> ! He was the only family <em> I </em> had ever had! He was the only one I could trust and now he’s been dead for a year, and I’m never going to see him again because of <em> you </em>!” Tommy spat, more tears rolling down his cheeks. “And he had Fundy, Fundy’s his son, you can’t leave him and then say that you’re all he had!”</p>
<p>“He wasn’t your brother, you’re just some kid he let follow him around! You aren’t Wilbur’s <em> family </em>!” Phil spat back, whirling around to see --</p>
<p>Tommy, seventeen-and-a-half, with glazed-over red eyes and tears dribbling grossly off of his chin, staring terrified at Phil. His hands shook, his arms were pinched to his sides, and he began spilling out apologies. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t-- you can take my stuff, I don’t have any armor, I’m sorry, please, don’t hurt me again, Dream, please, I promise I won’t do it again, but please don’t take my compass, you can hit me, I won’t complain, please, I’m sorry,” he blubbered to the hazey green figure in front of him. Tommy tried to figure out how he escaped from Sam’s prison. The green figure reared his hand back to hit Tommy, and he flinched back, falling to the floor, barely catching himself. His wrist <em> cracked </em>, and Tommy let out a gasp of pain, struggling not to whimper. </p>
<p>“What the hell?” someone -- <em> not Dream? </em> -- said, sounding bewildered. “Theseus, what the fuck?” </p>
<p><em> Technoblade </em> , a distant part of Tommy’s brain whispered. <em> Don’t trust him again, he only hurts you -- </em> <b> <em> he hurt Tubbo, remember? </em> </b> <em> -- where’s Tubbo? </em></p>
<p>“I didn’t, Tommy, mate, can you look at me?”  The green, apparently not-Dream person asked. “I’m sorry for scaring you, but you gotta look at me.”</p>
<p>Tommy blinked, staring up at the hazey figure. </p>
<p>“Can you see me?” it asked, and Tommy forced himself to shake his head. </p>
<p>“Y-you’re blu-rry,” he mumbled. </p>
<p>“Okay, uh, I think you need to breathe, kiddo, take deep breaths,” green not-Dream said. </p>
<p>Tommy sucked in the air that he could, his brain repeating <em> four, seven, eight, </em> so he matched his breathing to that chant. </p>
<p>Tommy came to, properly, to Phil and Techno’s mildly panicked whispering. </p>
<p>“We have to find <em> someone </em>,” Phill hissed. </p>
<p>“I’m fine now,” Tommy croaked, despite the deja vu. “It was just a panic attack.”</p>
<p>“You couldn’t <em> see </em>,” Phil protested. </p>
<p>“Can we just go already?” Tommy whined, pulling himself up on the side of the wall. “I want to go ho-- go take a nap.” </p>
<p>Phil and Techno exchanged another look, and if he had more energy, Tommy would feel annoyed by their secret language. </p>
<p>“Fine, but we’re not leaving you alone when we get to the central caverns,” Phil conceded. </p>
<p>“Fine. Whatever, I just want to go.” </p>
<p>Tommy followed Phil through twisting tunnels and massive caverns. After what felt like hours, they finally reached a spot that Tommy could remember. </p>
<p>“Thank Prime,” he muttered. “I can back from here.” </p>
<p>“We’re going with you,” Phil said, his voice tinged with something Tommy had never heard from him. </p>
<p>“Fine,” Tommy sighed, “Follow me.”</p>
<p>He followed the tunnel straight for six side-branches to the left, then turned right and went straight until he reached his camp. </p>
<p>“Tommy!” Tubbo cried, flinging himself into Tommy’s arms. “I was so worried about you, you just left a note! Sam and Puffy went to check with Big Q if you went to them, but they’ll be back soon.” </p>
<p>“Hey, Big T. Is it okay if I just go to sleep? I’m so tired,” Tommy replied, wrapping his arms around his best friend. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’ll deal with, um, them.”</p>
<p>So Tommy, seventeen-and-a-half, perpetually exhausted, trudged off to his and Tubbo’s little alcove and kicked his shoes off before shimmying into his cot and drifting off to sleep. </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The thing in Phil’s eyes that Tommy hadn’t seen before? That’s guilt.</p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
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